No Laughing Matter: Women as Equals

This is my Rosh Hashanah sermon for 5770.

A question:

How common is it for a woman to carve a turkey that a man has cooked?

1. This has never happened in Canada
2. This is normal in one household out of a hundred
3. This occurs regularly in one in ten households
4. Almost half of the women we spoke with say they do this all the time

The answer? B. This is normal in one household out of a hundred. Or as the study from Ipsos Reid states, “If you’re a woman who carves a turkey cooked by a man who lives in your house, you’re extremely rare.”[i]

There are so many ways that we live egalitarian lives, that regardless of a person’s gender we anticipate equal treatment and evenly balanced relationships. Yet this quiz illustrates something important. The traditional gender roles for men and women are rampant among us. Sometimes we are better at preaching than practicing what we preach.

Take these statistics. The average Canadian workingman makes $23 an hour. He is 70% convinced that he has what he needs to succeed in the workplace for the next decade and he wants more money. The average Canadian workingwoman on the other hand, makes $19 an hour. She is about 65% convinced that she can succeed in the workplace and unlike the average man, she is more interested in health and benefits coverage than the prospect of cash bonuses.[ii]

It seems that as blessed as we are to live in a country with equality carefully woven through both the culture and the legal system, there is still a disparity in earning power.

The gender gap surrounds us, whether we realize it or not.

A few months ago the phone in my office rang.

“Hello?” I said as I answered.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I asked to speak with the rabbi,” said the caller.

“This is nolongeran'ish', I am one of the rabbis of this congregation.”

Through nervous laughter, the woman said, “I am so sorry. I’m not used to reformed.”

“Yes, TS is a reform synagogue. How can I help you?”

The caller was expecting to hear a man’s voice and she was thrown when I answered the phone. For the caller, asking to speak with the rabbi led to an expectation of hearing a man’s voice.

Even though women have been rabbis for 37 years but the push for female rabbis began long ago.

The last time the Union for Reform Judaism’s biennial convention was in Toronto, Jane Evans, executive director of the National Federation of Temple Sisterhoods told the delegates to the 1957 convention that, “women are uniquely suited by temperament, intuition and spiritual sensitivity to be rabbis.”[iii] In 1956 leaders like UAHC president, Maurice Eisendrath and HUC president Nelson Glueck signed a CCAR document permitting women’s study at HUC. However, they said, “the question before us is purely academic at this time. We do not have a particular case in point.”[iv] At the 1963 National Foundation of Temple Sisterhoods convention in Washington, DC where the group celebrated its 100^th anniversary, Jane Evans asked the membership to resolve once and for all in favor of women rabbis.[v]

While history acknowledges Rabbi Sally Priesand as the first ordained rabbi there were many women before her who served rabbinic functions. Rebecca Brickner, wife of Rabbi Barnett Brickner of Holy Blossom Temple and Cleveland’s Euclid Avenue Temple often covered for her husband when he was unavailable. This made her the first woman to preach a sermon, read Torah and lead services.[vi]

So here we are today and across the planet similar issues exist just as they do here.

In a recent article, Nicholas Kristoff and Sheryl WuDunn write about women’s issues in the developing world:

In a slum outside the grand old city of Lahore, a woman named Saima Muhammad used to dissolve into tears every evening. A round-faced woman with thick black hair tucked into a headscarf, Saima had barely a rupee, and her deadbeat husband was unemployed and not particularly employable. He was frustrated and angry, and he coped by beating Saima each afternoon. Their house was falling apart, and Saima had to send her young daughter to live with an aunt, because there wasn’t enough food to go around.

“My sister-in-law made fun of me, saying, ‘You can’t even feed your children,’ ” recalled Saima when Nick met her two years ago on a trip to Pakistan. “My husband beat me up. My brother-in-law beat me up. I had an awful life.” Saima’s husband accumulated a debt of more than $3,000, and it seemed that these loans would hang over the family for generations. Then when Saima’s second child was born and turned out to be a girl as well, her mother-in-law, a harsh, blunt woman named Sharifa Bibi, raised the stakes.

“She’s not going to have a son,” Sharifa told Saima’s husband, in front of her. “So you should marry again. Take a second wife.” Saima was shattered and ran off sobbing. Another wife would leave even less money to feed and educate the children. And Saima herself would be marginalized in the household, cast off like an old sock. For days Saima walked around in a daze, her eyes red; the slightest incident would send her collapsing into hysterical tears.[vii]

Saima utilized her intuition and local community organizations and with a $65 dollar loan bought beads and fabric and in a short amount of time employed 30 families in addition to her own in her small business. In time, she paid off her own debt as well as that of her husband. She became a leader of her community and now sends all of her daughters to school, has running water and a television set. She reports that now her husband’s view of women has changed though he sometimes needs to take orders from his wife who provides the sole family income.

Saima took a seemingly impossible situation and using resources around her changed her life, the potential for her daughters’ future, and her community. Carving out a niche, Saima rewrote her future and that for women in her village.

In a small village in Pakistan the socially accepted gender roles are changing and the gender gap is narrowing.

This gender gap is nothing new, our Torah is filled with examples. Our matriarch, Sarah, is introduced to the reader as Abram’s wife who travels with him when he hears the call from God. Sarai, Sarah’s name prior to the establishment of the convent, is first described as a beautiful woman. Thanks to Sarai’s beauty that Abram is able to acquire riches as she lives in Pharaoh’s household. Sarai is barren and gives her Egyptian maidservant to Abram in order that a child might be borne to him. When Hagar becomes pregnant Sarai is lowered in esteem in Hagar’s eyes because of her pregnancy. Yet, God makes it clear that it is through Sarah’s offspring that the covenant will continue. When three visitors come to Abraham’s tent, he instructs Sarah to go above and beyond in welcoming them providing bread, water, meat and cheese. These visitors tell Abraham that when they return in a year Sarah will have a son. She laughs at this seeming ridiculous idea because she is a menopausal woman. When God learns this, God asks Abraham, “Why does Sarah laugh?”[viii] Sarah denies laughing because she fears God and the matter is closed with it being clear to everyone that Sarah was in fact, laughing.

The angels words come true and Sarah gives birth to a son, Isaac, Yitzhak, he laughs, named as such by Sarah because, “God has brought [her] laughter; everyone who hears will laugh with me.”[ix] Sarah, “saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian-woman, whom she had borne to Avraham, laughing. . .” and playing with Isaac and immediately calls for the banishment of Hagar and Ishmael.[x] Abraham has no choice, it seems, than to submit to Sarah’s requests though there is no evidence of any wrongdoing. The power plays between these two women, Hagar and Sarah are unending and it is only when Sarah uses her position at the ear of Abraham that she is able to stop any threat to Isaac.

Whether in Biblical times, today in the third world, or even in Canada, it seems that given the same scenarios, women make different decisions than men, particularly when it comes to the basic necessities of life. Kristoff and WuDunn report, “One reason involves the dirty little secret of global poverty: some of the most wretched suffering is caused not just by low incomes but also by unwise spending by the poor — especially by men. Surprisingly frequently, we’ve come across a mother mourning a child who has just died of malaria for want of a $5 mosquito bed net; the mother says that the family couldn’t afford a bed net and she means it, but then we find the father at a nearby bar. He goes three evenings a week to the bar, spending $5 each week.”[xi] This explains the recent trend of NGOs funding women’s empowerment in rural communities through programs like micro-finance. Women’s priorities are different than men’s.

Sadly, whatever happens in the home, whether the tent of Abraham and Sarah our own today, does not crossover easily no matter where we are in the world. Remember who is cooking and who is carving the turkey.

Bill Gates tells the story of a trip to Saudi Arabia in which he made a presentation to a room that was divided by gender. 4/5 of the audience were men and 1/5 women covered in black from head to toe. During the question and answer session, a Saudi man asked if Gates thought it was realistic for Saudi Arabia to become one of the top 10 countries in the world in technology. Gates’ response, “Well if you’re not fully utilizing half the talent in the country, you’re not going to get too close to the Top 10.”[xii]

We need to start closing the gender gaps in our own lives. And when we do so, we must remember not to apologize! There are many among us who already have closed these gaps in our home life. Men are the principle cooks, grocery shoppers and carpool drivers and women pay bills and take out the trash. We provide equal access for our sons and daughters to education

My friends, there is no need to apologize for belonging to an egalitarian, Reform synagogue. We may not do things the same way as our brothers and sisters down the street and there is nothing wrong with that. There is no need to apologize to the people we eat lunch with today when they seem surprised that we blew shofar this morning at our services. As individuals here we make choices about wearing kippot, tallit and tefillin just as we hope visitors to our congregation will be respectful of our customs at our worship services,and when praying elsewhere we should be equally respectful without apology. Equality is no laughing matter.

TS tries to be as equal as possible and we have a lot to be proud of. Men and women chant Torah and lead services here on a regular basis. Three of five clergy members are women. Our young adults become Bar and Bat Mitzvah fulfilling the same requirements and reading the same amounts of Hebrew. In addition to the baby naming during a Torah service our congregation is now making available a Brit Banot service described by Rabbi EP as “just like a bris without the cutting” to welcome our daughters into the covenant. This new option is available to our members and children of members. It is an attempt by this synagogue to remain true to our tradition, our Reform Jewish values, and responsive to the twenty-first century world in which we all live.

There is a long road ahead towards equality in the Jewish community in Toronto and sometimes it isn’t easy to be ahead of the curve. Of the six Reform synagogues in the GTA, and the 10 rabbinic positions, women hold 5. Two of course here, at temple. Rabbi MD, Rabbi EP and I are proud to work together and to serve this congregation. There are many more steps to make toward egalitarianism as a nation, as a synagogue, and in our family units. Find them. Figure out what will work for you and for your family. Be proud of believing in equality.

Let 5770 be the year in which we stop apologizing for egalitarianism and we seek out opportunities to support women and men who are already working towards minimizing the gender gap. May we all be like Saima who used her intuition to save her life and the lives of her children and to make her community a better, more equal place for all of its citizens. May this be the year that the cooker and the carver of the turkey change places. May God bestow blessings onto each of us equally, man and woman, and may we all know peace. Ken y’hi ratzon. May this be God’s will.

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[i] The Great Big Canadian Quiz, 257.

[ii] The Great Big Canadian Quiz, 206.

[iii] Spiegel, Irving. “Women as Rabbis Urged at Parley: Reform Groups Hear Pleas at Toronto Meeting – Qualifications Cited,” The New York Times. 30 April 1957.

[iv] Nadell, Pamela S. Women Who Would Be Rabbis: A history of Women’s Ordination, 1889-1985. p 134.

[v] Ibid, 135.

[vi] Ibid.

[vii] “The Women’s Crusade.” New York Times Magazine. Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. Published: August 17, 2009

[viii] Gen. 18:13

[ix] Gen. 21:6

[x] Gen. 21:9. Everett Fox translation.

[xi] Kristoff & WuDunn.

[xii] “The Women’s Crusade.” New York Times Magazine. Nicholas Kristof and Sheryl WuDunn. Published: August 17, 2009

Remembering

Eight years ago today I was a novice New Yorker. Having moved into the AVODAH house just 2 weeks before, I was growing accustomed to my commute to the office, living with eight other people and figuring out what it meant to go to work and not to class for the first time in 16 years. I worked as a volunteer coordinator and was learning with many others how to organize parents and community members to become volunteer tutors in public schools and was preparing to venture into the depths of Brooklyn to my school district and the schools where I would be working. It was before nine in the morning when I got to the office. I was almost always in before nine because the subway never took as long as I thought it would, even with the walk from 6th Avenue to Park Avenue South. Already at my desk by 8:45 I remember one of the managers called the program director and said that a plane hit the first tower. The few of us that were in the office crowded into the ED's office and watched on TV as the second plane hit the second tower. It didn't seem real.

I did one smart thing that day. I emailed my parents to say that I was at the office, not on the subway under the East River and I was okay. THE DIVA, my sister, was on IM and she was preparing to go to class and knew I was safe, too. It was hard to watch the television, and even more difficult to pretend that I was doing any work at my cubicle. Eventually we were all just watching TV in shock. I remember we ordered pizza and I couldn't stop eating.

I didn't know what to do or where to go. THE DIVA, a college junior was walking to class and saw the second plane hit and while in the classroom felt the ground shake as the towers went down. I knew there were no subways running and THE DIVA and I planned to meet outside her dorm on 14th street. We chatted and made the arrangements on IM and were set to meet in what seemed like a reasonable amount of time to walk 11 blocks. On any other day it would have been reasonable, but not with thousands of people walking north in the middle of the streets while I wove my way in and out desperate to get to my sister. After 45 minutes of weaving in and around people, I got to the building to find my little sister in hysterical tears. She was so scared because I couldn't get there any faster and there was no way of getting that information to her. We embraced in one of the longest, tightest hugs ever and we always give long, tight hugs to one another and we held hands as we crossed the street for the group of people who were also stranded in THE DIVA's dorm room.

We didn't know what to buy or how much of it. We got toothbrushes and I remember carrots only because I think I ate an entire bag sitting there in shock. My parents knew that we were both safe and that we were together. The TV kept showing the same images again and again and it still didn't feel real because the sky at 14th street was the most clear azure. I was at THE DIVA's for a long time. They announced somewhere, somehow that the subways were running. I decided to go back to my AVODAHnikim. There were enough stranded people at THE DIVA's.

I went home and was embraced by love, shock, support and tears from the eight strangers who I now called roommates. The entire backyard was covered with ash and soot. The wind was blowing everything into our Brooklyn backyard. It was one of the most disgusting sights I ever saw walking off the train at the Smith/9th station and down the steps. We sat together in the basement and talked, read poetry and tried to find meaning in the chaos. We talked about preparing for other attacks and what we should do and buy. We weren't really at the hugging stage yet, everything and everyone was so new. It didn't matter after September 11 there were always hugs to go around. The relationships that were already in formation became solidified on September 11. We drew strength and support from one another at the darkest time and it enabled us to smile and spread joy to all of those around us in times of celebration.

It is eight years later and I am not in as close of contact with those 8 roommates and the 7 in the other house. I think of them and our experiences throughout that year often. I know that whenever I do see them again it will be as if no time has passed.

Every year on this day I am transported back in time, to that year, to that rat-infested niggun-filled house, to the Shabbat tables constructed out of closet doors and paint cans in the basement, and the year that I found out some of the pieces of the person I was becoming. I remember the embrace from my sister and all of those that have come after it because few things are as strong as the bond between sisters. I am grateful for that were in my life at that time and that came into my life subsequently. They have held me up when I was falling. Everyday of my life I express gratitude to the One who grants life and has enabled me to live another day surrounded by people I love and the people who love me.

On September 11, 2009 I sit at my desk in my office at a synagogue living my dream. On the door there is a sign that says 'rabbi.' Terrorism is just that, terrifying. Living is a tribute and a testimony and the antithesis to that fear, that uncertainty. To live is to embrace uncertainty and acknowledge fear and laugh in its face. A wise rabbi once said, "the whole world is a narrow bridge and the principle that is most important is not to be afraid!"

the clock is ticking

this is the time of year when the jewish world prepares for the big ones. those days that see more bodies in the synagogue than any other time of the year. working at a very large congregation where there are constantly two simultaneous services there are a lot of sermons. this year i am writing five sermons between 1 tishri and 15 tishri. that is a lot. at least for me it is a lot. i am hoping to have one done by the end of this week. this is a reasonable goal, at least i think it is. perhaps by writing that statement here i will even make it happen. anything is possible, right?

happy writing to one and all!

summertime and the living is easy...

what a difference a year makes. last summer i saw every single movie that was playing at the theater, and in some cases more than once. this summer i have seen maybe five movies and feel like there just isn't enough time to do the things that i thought i might accomplish. granted i am not so sure what those things are besides hhd sermons, and all of a sudden it is the middle of august.

i am not entirely prepared but the hhd are upon us sooner than i would like to acknowledge. i announced the new month of elul which will begin on friday which means rh is a month away. i have not gotten any of the writing done that i thought i might do in the heart of summer. oops. summer escaped me.

i am going to be with my family next weekend in mn and i'm so excited because my whole family is going to be together. yippie!

i saw 'julie & julia' last night. i recommend it and i recommend it even more if you like to cook or like to think that you like to cook and have limited space but ample fiesta wear. it was a little long but it was hard to notice. 'julia' was amazing and probably will be nominated for another academy award.

i am a blackberry user again and i couldn't be happier. if you have bbm, let me know your pin and we can chat it up.

i am rambling. i am okay with that and thank you for reading.

i heart timbuk2

i might have a problem and since admitting it is the first step, here goes nothing. i love timbut2 bags. i have a few of them... actually only 3 and i have a wallet. i am going to recycle one of them and make sure it goes to someone who needs a good bag (timbuk2 even has a program for it). and now i am in a quandry. i take my laptop to work everyday. and i think i might be in lust with this bag. right now i end up taking about 400 bags with me to the office. purse, laptop, lunch, gym, other random files and things ... could this bag eliminate most of that? is it possible? readers what do you think? will i still look rabbinic with this bag? and if i got the bag, which colour and yes i am spelling color that way on purpose.

confession

i have an iphone and i don't like it. i know people run out to stand in insane lines for the next version and that it is supposedly the best technology out there but it just doesn't do it for me. i don't like that i need to take my gloves off to answer the phone. let's be honest, i wore gloves for more than six months last year. the app store is cool and fun but i never use any of the apps in my day-to-day life. i got my iphone used and it never really was fully happy with the cellular/data services.

so i'm going back to a blackberry. the end.

____________

who has a kindle 2 out there? they are not yet available in the great white north and i read a scathing review in the new yorker. the divasister has one and loves it. i can't imagine not holding onto a book. is this truly the future of the written word?

i'm 30

i knew the day was coming. i remember when i turned 21 i told my sister, "i'm that much closer to 30!" she told me to shut up. maybe, just maybe she was right that i was being a little melodramatic but it is me after all.

mr. and mrs. veggieberger were here for the weekend and it was completely amazing. i am very lucky to have amazing friends like them. especially because they had the worst luck actually getting here thanks to weather issues.

turning 30 so far is really great. i like myself more than i ever have before. i am in better shape then ever before, and i am living my professional dream. i am blessed with amazing people in my life including my friends and family. i sense that the world is full of potential for me and my future is what i am going to make of it.

30 gets two thumbs up!